a 25-year-old male, a recovering addict to porn and masturbation.
''It all started at about the age of 10-11, when I accidentally discovered
website call RED TUBE its free porn site . Back then I did not understand what I was doing and did not
realize that this was Haraam (But I have to say, I would always do it in secret,
even though I was young I had an inkling that this was wrong). Anyway I
continued in this fashion for a year or two, and then I discovered porn. At
first I was too embarrassed to simply walk into a shop and buy a magazine, so I
would literally look in people’s garbage, in the hope of finding pornographic
material.
I remember staying awake late at night and turning on the TV once my parents
slept, in order to watch late night TV which often showed soft-core porn. (I
remember in shame the lengths I would go to conceal my secret, e.g. closing the
door, but not completely so that I can hear approaching footsteps and hiding a
pornographic video underneath a loose floorboard that was nearly discovered by
my father).
It got so bad, and I felt so guilty, that one day, I was about 13 years old
then, I took a brave step and confessed to my father, who was extremely
supportive and gave me practical tips to my problem. It worked for a few months
and my father thought he was successful, but unfortunately I relapsed and went
back to my old ways.
I continued like this for a few years until about the age of 15/16 (throughout
this time I always felt guilty and ashamed but continued any way), that was when
the internet became mainstream. To me this was the start of a new level in
watching porn, as it made it so easy, (no need for embarrassing walks in to an
adult shop, and of course the ease of access and variety of porno content on the
web).
You see the porn barons are very much like drug dealers, you get your first
joint for free, then you’re hooked and forced to go back to the dealer, but this
time you have to pay to get the harder content. However, after about two years
the free stuff simply was not enough, I needed more to quench my ever-increasing
lust. (To cut short, as he grew, his sins only increased and increased –
ed.)(Then, in my twenties) I decided that the only way to solve my problem is to
get married. Unfortunately, marriage only helped for a few months, and then I
relapsed once more.
However, things changed exactly a year ago. As I’m sure you have realized, this
beast of an addiction has been the storey of my life, it has absolutely consumed
me in every way, I have tried so many times to slay the beast, but every time I
fail.
Yet, something happened to me exactly one year ago that allows me to stand
before this forum today, and announce that I have finally slain this beast. In
fact, today is my one year anniversary of victory. Like all other addicts,
whenever I repented I knew at the back of my mind, that this will not last. When
I repented, a year ago, I came to the realization that I cannot have this
thought at the back of my mind, as it made my repentance worthless. I then sat
down and brainstormed all the ill consequences of porn; I came up with the
following:
Consequences
• The most important one off course is going to Hell.
• Constantly feeling guilty and worthless.
• Constantly feeling ashamed of my self, this led to poor self-esteem and lack
of confidence.
• Wasting my precious time. Time that can be spent learning new things or simply
enjoying the company of friends.
• Having to constantly lie to cover my tracks, and then to lie again to cover my
previous lies, and so on.
• Sexual contact with my wife became a chore rather than something to look
forward to, as I simply was no longer excited by my wife (and bless her little
heart, she tries so hard to seduce me).
• The feeling of utter emptiness after masturbating, compared to the feeling of
joy when hugging my wife in bed.
• The amount of money wasted: I can honestly say that in the space of about 10
years, I blew approximately £15000 on porn and prostitutes. This money could
have gone to the poor, it would have paid for about 10 holidays, or at least 4-5
visits to the holy city of Makkah.
• The inability to do anything that would please Allah (such as read Qur’an, or
help the Muslim Ummah), as I always felt ‘what’s the point of doing a good deed,
as I have committed so many disgusting sins.’
• The utter humiliation I would feel had my wife found out, not to mention the
enormous amount of pain I would cause her had she found out I was watching porn
and even cheated on her.’
So, how did I stop? It’s a combination of everything really.
How I got over it:
• Constantly reminding myself of the 10 disadvantages outlined above (I have
them stored on my organizer, and read them every day).
• Reading the Qur’an and making Du’a everyday, and paying in charity.
• Never staying home alone, if possible.
• Praying on time.
• Going to my wife whenever I felt the desire (of course it helps that I have a
wife who is very responsive when it comes to sexual matters).
• Encouraging my wife to always dress provocatively when we are at home.
• Remember how guilty, depressed and ashamed you wil feel, after commiting the
sin of watching porn or masturbating.
• A lot of you will probably agree with me that you watch porn when you are
bored and have free time on your hand. Islam has clear injunction about free
time and how it should be used. I also recently heard a lecture in which the
Imam said that all evil comes from spare time, as this is when a human is at his
most vulnerable, you have nothing to do, nothing to pre-occupy your mind, so in
order to fill this void, you commit a sin such as watching porn. The message
here is always occupy your mind with something useful (read a book, visit a
friend, play football/sports, start a project, watch a comedy, anything really,
as long as it is not Haraam). Never remain idle when you have time on your hands
as boredom can be your downfall, and lead you to the wrong path.
Some more tips
Apart from these eight points, I have a few more tips that have worked for me.
• I made a vow to Allah that if I were to relapse I would have to fast 120 days
continuously.
• Every day, I go in front of the mirror and I psyche myself up, screaming
‘NEVER’, ‘NEVER’, ‘NEVER’, over and over again, (‘NEVER’, as in I will ‘never’
go back to my old ways again).
• I have a secret book that I purchased specifically for this purpose. I have
marked all the dates of the year on it for the next couple of years. Next to
every day I either have a tick which would represent a successful day, in other
words a day I did not watch porn in, or I would have a cross, which would
represent failure. Alhamdulilllah I now have 365 ticks, and not a single cross.
I look at all these ticks every day, and it gives me a sense of achievement. I
would not want to see a cross in this book, as it would symbolize a return to
the old ways. Seeing that cross would seriously depress me, hence I avoid it at
all cost.
I hope these tips will help. Please make Du’a for me as I want to continue on
the right path. I know I can. I know I can.
O Allah! Guide us, make our intentions sincere, accept our deeds, answer our
prayers, and make us of those who are patient.''
Source: MuslimMasage/online.
