“Has your daughter graduated?” asked one of two Somali middle-aged female passengers as we queued for the bus.
“Yes,” the other woman mumbled.
“Has she been married?”
“No! Even her older sister is still at home.”
“I have also one girl who is in the conventional age for marrying and waiting for her luck.”
“Nowadays, in Britain, it is difficult for Somali girls to find Mr. Right. They have admirably risen to the difficulties we are in. They study hard and work hard but find difficult to settle down as there are no worthwhile men.”
The exchange between the two women came to an abrupt end as the double-decker bus pulled in.
Was the conversation between the two women a male bashing exercise or was it reflecting a genuine difficulty surrounding Somali marriage in Britain?
Let us start with some basic facts. According to the 2001 Census, the Somali population in Britain was 46% male and 54% female. Research carried out by the Institute for Public Policy Research in 2007 showed a higher sex-ratio imbalance: 38% male and 62% female. If we add to this imbalance the high number of Somali men who chew khat, (a natural stimulant from the Catha edulis plant) making them undesirable marriage partners, and the high number of unemployed men then it is not surprising to see why Somali women are finding it difficult to find husbands. Guttentag and Secord, who write about sex ratios, describe the reaction of women in gender imbalance societies: “Women in such societies would have a subjective sense of powerlessness and would personally be devalued by the society.”
Two other factors add to the difficulties in finding marriage partners: it is not the norm within Somali culture or community to accept interracial marriage and even interclan marriage is sometimes discouraged. As a result, finding a suitable man from the same background extends the long list of requirements that need to be satisfied to clinch a marriage. Educated Somali women often find that men feel threatened by their education when it comes to partner selection. Is a wife’s education an asset to the household or threat to the family order?
Somali men travelling outside Britain to get married are also exacerbating the marriage squeeze. As more men travel to other countries especially developing countries to get married more eligible women remain single beyond the conventional marrying age. Britain has challenged Somalis’ patriarchal social system and upset traditional gender roles and power. Some of the men who prefer traditional roles in the family based on male dominance get married to Somali women in third world countries who still accept the traditional model.
Now let us turn our attention to girls who say ‘I can’t find Mr. Right.’ Peter Hector, the author of Love is no Guarantee!, asked some women to describe their ideal man and their reply was: “Soul mate, emotionally secure, financially stable, and intellectually stimulating, a good sense of humour, a gentleman, not afraid to express love and affection, ready to commit and accept responsibility. In addition, he must be reasonably good looking and in good physical shape.” Somali girls would add: a practising Muslim. Girls, you need more than an ounce of luck to find such perfect men. It does not mean they do not exist but how long does it take to get them?
Some girls argue that they are not perfectionists but they are unable to meet decent men. Love marriage has replaced arranged marriage but finding Mr. Right is proving to be problematic for some. Under the system of arranged marriages, mate selection is the business of the parents. In love marriages, courtship is the business of the couples concerned but where can this happen? Education centres, work places and social events are the usual places for boys and girls to meet but some girls are finding these places inaccessible or unproductive.
Most girls who are ready to settle have either completed their education and have no access to education centres or are pursuing higher education as an alternative to family life. In this case they are interacting with boys who have an equally long list of requirements which are not compatible to their requirements. Or they work in places where eligible Somali men are rare to find. Social events such as weddings used to offer ideal opportunities for single people to meet but Somalis are becoming more religious and women and men are progressively being kept apart. Rima McGown notes in his book Muslim in the Diaspora “The Islamists’ influence is obvious in the very way that the practice of Islam has evolved for diaspora Somalis.”
What can Somali girls do when faced with an unfavourable sex-ratio, heavy cultural directives, and men threatened by the prospects of independent women?
This is not an issue for girls only. It is a problem for the community and needs collective solutions. Recognising and appreciating the challenges that girls face in moving from single life to married life deserve the full attention of the community. Re-examining cultural directives and gender relations and creating an environment conducive for singles to meet may end the loneliness some may feel. And for boys, do you have to make a “Cook’s tour of the world” to find partners? And for girls, are you setting the standard too high or, as Hector asked: “Are you realistic, approachable, and flexible?”
Sad but true.
