Source: The Enquirer
July 2, 2006 Author: Peter Bronson
......"I-do's," kiss the bride - then say, "Congratulations on your 50-50 chance of divorce"
The other night, the wife and I celebrated our 31st anniversary by doing nothing special. No gifts, no fancy restaurant, no party. In fact, we nearly forgot it altogether. And that's the way we like it. Big-deal anniversaries are for rookies.
According to those lists of traditional anniversary gifts, there's a silver anniversary at 25 years, a golden anniversary at 50, and all kinds of wool, iron, cotton, paper, aluminum, leather, lace and tin anniversaries scattered around in between.
"Congratulations on your second anniversary - here's some cotton for your ears."
You'd think it would be something more practical - like Gorilla Glue to patch broken dishes, or marriage counseling with a five-year, 50,000-mile warranty. But no. It's aluminum.
"Wow, we made it to 10 years. Here's a new roll of Reynolds Wrap, honey."
No wonder half of all marriages end in divorce. Or so they claim. Judging from the last high school reunion I attended, it's closer to 98 percent.
But judging by the actual research, it's much lower. A 2001 Census report found the highest divorce rate was 41 percent, for men between 50 and 59. (Many were probably two-time losers).
The divorce rate is only 25 percent for newlyweds with college degrees. (I'm guessing four years of dorm food and Slim Jims makes men more committed to married life).
So why do we go to weddings, listen to the nervous "I-do's," kiss the bride - then say, "Congratulations on your 50-50 chance of divorce"? It's not even true.
I'm still a remedial student of marriageology, with plenty of demerits and detentions on my permanent record. But I have learned that most of the Modern Marriage textbook has more errors, myths and bad advice than a Scientology seminar. Such as:
Romance is everything. To anyone who has been married longer than a Hollywood weekend, that's hilarious.
Movies and love songs make marriage look like the Stanley Cup you raise over your head after winning the dating-hockey playoffs. Wrong. A wedding is just the opening ceremony for the marriage Olympics.
There are dozens of events, and you can't win 'em all. Sometimes its checking-account hurdles, sometimes it's a hammer throw at the furnace or a relay race to T-ball and piano lessons. For every love sprint there's a responsibility marathon.
In movies, romance is an eternal flame like the Olympic torch. But there are times when it's more like trying to start a campfire with wet matches.
Marriage will make me happy. Sure it will - if you make your spouse happy first.
Men don't communicate. Not true. We just observe the marriage Miranda warning: Anything you say can and will be used against when you least expect it.
She's the boss. Jerry Seinfeld's comedy at the Aronoff was typical: Men are dogs, and women have rolled-up newspapers. But marriage is a balance. I rule the part of the garage where the cars and lawnmower are parked - she rules the balance.
And considering that she took a chance and married a ditch-digger who drove a Fred Flintstone rustbucket with holes in the floor, I consider myself lucky.
Rodney Dangerfield said, "My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met each other."
Alan King said, "Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers."
Our friends said, "They will be divorced in a week if they don't kill each other first."
And 31 years later we said, "Who needs gifts when we have each other?"
