WROTE THIS, I HAD A LAUGH WALLAHI
As we sail through
our Somali Seas of Sordidness
our Somali Slough of Despond
with battalions of sorrow
with our wounded Somali Spirit
sagging
with many a sigh
with no relief in sight
we can’t help but encounter
this pretty kettle of Somali fish
we can’t help but encounter
countless kinds of
comical
clannish
foolish fish
that make us guffaw with laughter
to keep us from weeping all the time
like fish out of water.
I
Mud fish sling dirt
on other fish
in order to keep themselves clean
the Issaq
alias
the Iidoar
are mud fish
for they are the most clannish queer fish
who claim to eat no fish
who yell at fish eaters
“Speak not to me with that mouth
which eateth fish!”
who are still fugly fish
for they go around the world
with plenty of other fish to fry
for they are always loose fish
who always drink like fish
who always tipple in the deep
who always chew jaad in the dark dens of the deep
who always gerish geisha mermaids of the deep
the Issaq
alias
the Iidoar
are mud fish
for they always go around the world
with plenty of other fish to fry
for they are always loose fish
who let loose
on every Somali Klan
who dump
on every Somali Klan
who sling dirt
on every Somali Klan
in order to keep themselves clean
badmouthing the South
boasting
look
how great we are
how superior we are
to the rest of the Somali nation
boasting
look
how fine we are
look
how foul
how fucked-up
how foolish the Faqash of the silly South are.
II
Guppies are insecure frightened fish
with mighty mouths
always in motion
always on guard
always on the move
always on the make
Guppies are always being gobbled up by bigger fish
All the clans
that are always deemed minorities
that are always regarded
as risible minorities
as visible minorities
that are always designated as Gûn
that are always classified as coons
that are always fingered as small fry
that are always given the finger
that are always given the short end of the shitty clannish stick
that are always given short shrift
that are always given the bum’s rush
that are always crucified as cunts
that are always neutered as niggers
are doggone gûn guppies.
III
Barracuda fish
are the most selfish fish
for they
always knock you upside the head
always knock you out of the way
always get in your way
always never go away
always are in your face
the Hawiye
are balayo barracuda baraculo fanculo fish
for Allah created the Hawiye
the maddest of all mankind
(O Hawiye
whenever I hear our nasty name
I share in its shame)
IV
Eels are sneaky snaky fish
they slither on their bare bellies like snakes
they eat the leftovers of the lion fish
they have nothing
they do nothing
they are nothing
they are hell-bent
on greed
on graft
on getting
what you got
Dafle’s dedicated Dhulbahante devotees of dirty Darodism
Dafle’s diehard Dhulbahante defenders of dirty Darodism
Galayrd’s Dhulbahante Druids of the Yankee Dollar
are
slimy
slippery
slithery
sleazy
slicky
slinky
sneaky
snaky
icky
eels.
V
Crabs seesaw sides
Craps caper from side to side
Craps career from side to side
Craps careen from side to side
yesterday they straddled the fence
today they are on your side of the fence
tomorrow they are on the other side of the fence
Jalle Jelle’s Hawadle
Qurunle Qanyare’s Murasade
Irr-de’s lackeying lackadaisical Layl-kasse
are nothing but cunning crabs
these nincompoop namby-pamby nobodies
fancy themselves
believe themselves to be somebodies
but
these are the tools
these are the fools
these are the fall guys
these are the matante
these are the underwear
for any side
for one reason
for one season
that is why Yalahow Yahoo Haarow Haayow
declaimed
“the Murusade are my matante
they are my underwear
I put them on when I want
And I put them off when I want.
VI
Flounder are funny fish
that have both eyes on one side of their heads
they can only see things one way
they can only say things one way
they can only ride one hobbyhorse
they can only dance one dance
they can only sing
one song
one tune
one rune
one theme
they can only see
one rime
one reason
one season
they only know of
one time
one tide
one turn
the Rahanwayn are flounder
for all is fish that comes to their nest
but now
the Rahanwayn are
floundering
in Baydhabo
in the bog of
in the fog of
in the fatude of
in the fanfare of
in the faanfaan of
in the fanfaronade of
we are not smelly Somalis
we are Mai Mai!
O my!
We are not Mahaatire!
We are the world!
VII
Crayfish crawl backwards
Afwayne’s once mighty Marehan are crayfish
yesterday
yesteryear
they were
the Lords of all the Somali Horizons
today
they are ghettoized in Gedo
today
they are busy butchering each other
this is the Klan
whose best
whose brightest
Mahammad Sheikh Adan
once bragged
for the first decade
I & my Marehan Klan will rule Somalia
by might
by main
for the second decade
I & my Marehan Klan will rule Somalia
by looting the patrimony of the Somali race
to buy up the loyalty of key clannish cowards
for the third decade
I & my Marehan Klan will rule Somalia
by inaugurating
by ushering in
the Somali Renaissance
the Somali Enlightenment
the Somali Millennium
now this blowhard & his Marehan Klan
now this braggart & his Marehan Klan
are the main minions of the sad Salad Boy’s Ill-Jeh
are the main loyal lickspittles of sad Salad Boy’s Ill-Jeh Cosa Nostra.
VIII
Seahorses eat their own kind
Seahorses eat their own kids
all Somali Klans are seahorses
all Somalis feast upon their own kind
all Somalis eat their own kids
all Somalis make sure to foreclose
the future of their own kids
for we are all mad
for we are all mindless
for we are all myopic
for we all have
no vision
beyond our greedy guts
beyond our blind mouths
and where there is no vision
the people perish
no wonder
right now
right this minute
all of us Somalis
are perishing
are feeding fish called sea horses.
IX
Whales know only
how to blow hot air
out of the top of their empty heads
The Ogaden are whales
who only know
how to blow hot air
out of the top of their empty heads
out of their own empty horns
The Ogaden are whales
who only know
how to blow gaff to the Ethiopian enemy
how to blow gaff to the Kenyan enemy
The Ogaden have quantity
but
the Ogaden have no quality
yesterday
yesteryear
their muck-a-muck
their Lord Heehaw
their Nuruddin Farah
Their Neustadt Laureate
Their wannabe Nobel Laureate
Their wannabe Soyinka
led them astray
blowing hot air
blowing hot farts
out of the top of their empty heads
crying up
singing
a deafening tune
called
Guul Wado Siyyaad!
Now they are singing
another hit tune
another altogether different hit tune
called
Tol-bela-yay!
called
Woe is us Ogaden!
X
Sharks attack all other fish
the Habar Gidir are sharks
for there is no Somali clan
that has not been attacked by the Habar Gidir
for there is no Somali clan
that has not been bloodied by the Habar Gidir
for there is no Somali clan
that has not been savaged by the Habar Gidir
for there is no Somali clan
that has not been sacked by the Habar Gidir
for there is no Somali clan
that has not been saddened by the Habar Gidir
for there is no Somali clan
that has not been hurt by the Habar Gidir
for there is no Somali clan
that has not been humiliated by the Habar Gidir
for there is no Somali clan
that has not been invaded by the Habar Gidir
for there is no Somali clan
that has not been pillaged by the Habar Gidir
for there is no Somali clan
that has not been raped by the Habar Gidir
for there is no Somali clan
that has not been rapined by the Habar Gidir
for there is no Somali clan
that has not been occupied by the Habar Gidir
for there is no Somali clan
that has not been colonized by the Habar Gidir
when the Habar Gidir can’t find a Somali Klan to kill
they turn upon each other
they eviscerate themselves
no Somali clan can swim
peacefully
in our own boiling brutal political Somali Seas
because of
the shifty-eyed shark Cains called Habar Gidir
This is the Habar Gidir KKK
who burned down these three pillars of
Truth
Peace
Justice
upon which our forefathers have founded the whole Somali nation
and then sold them as charcoal
to the Arabs in Dubai.
XI
Angel fish float around the dangerous Somali Seas
with no notion
with no clue
with no hint
with no idea
of what is going on
the Abgal are the angel fish of Somalia
for Allah created the Abgal
the most asinine of the Somali race
the Abgal are the angel fish
who have no idea of
the savagery of Somali clannish cutthroat politics where everybody is
either a floozy or a fizgig
whenever the Abgal get an idea
if they ever do at all
they get the wrong idea
and butcher each other
and make mincemeat of each other
if an alien enemy of the Abgal
espies an Abgal
wielding weapons of mass destruction
the alien enemy
does not fret
does not flee
does not fly
does not fidget
does not freak out
the alien enemy
does not lose his cool
does not lose his pose
does not lose his poise
the alien enemy
does not lose his clannish composure
he is never frightened
he is never hot & bothered
he never worries
for he knows
just like the Ali Baysten
just like the Red Indians
the asinine Abgal only know
how to butcher each other
how to scalp each other
how to slaughter each other
how to massacre each other
how to murder each other
how to maim each other
the awful Abgal believe only in killing the geniuses of their own clan
hence the Abgal axiom that affirms
if you are going to murder a fellow Abgal
make sure that you murder a fellow Abgal
so marvelous
so magnificent
so magnifico
so magnetic a personality
that the whole world will mourn him on the BBC
all the clans of Somalia
are killing each other now
are contending for power now
over this crucial question
who is going to subjugate the abject Abgal
who is going to rule the unruly Abgal
who is going to lord it over the abysmal Abgal
who are the angel fish of Somalia.
XII
Dogfish faithfully follow their so-called leaders
who are nothing but hirelings
who are nothing but whores
who are nothing but blind mouths
they faithfully follow them
even into the jaws of sharks
even into the jaws of Jahannama
even into the maws of doom
even into the maws of disaster
even into the maws of misery
every Somali
either
by omission
or
by commission
belongs to this dogfish Klan
dogfish have no sense to say
yes to Allah
yes to Truth
yes to Peace
yes to Justice
dogfish just love
dead-enders
niman balaya
dogs of disaster
dogfish are always dogs of war
witness what is happening right now in Kenya where
our blind mouths
our dogfish damean dumdum Druids
our niman balaya
our clannish KKK dogs of disaster
are demonstrating to the whole world
how we are nothing but goddamn diehard dogfish.
XIII
Pilot fish are pragmatic pioneers
they are also visionary fish
they lead other fish
to their happy hunting grounds
to their happy haunts
to their desired destinations
to their day of rendezvous with destiny
The Gadabursie
(May their tribe increase!)
are the brave pilot fish of Somalia
in Boramo
under the Tree of Wise Counsel
the Gadabursie mothered the mothers of the North
the Gadabursie are piloting the ill-mannered Iidoar
to peace
to bashbash
to barwaqo
the Gadabursie have decided to go global
whereas the Iidoar have decided
to go ghetto
to go it alone
to go haywire
to go UDI (Unilateral Declaration of Independence)
to go MIA (Missing In Action)
to go AWOL
to take French leave from sanity
If you have
an idea to advance
a project to promote
a mission to mould
a vision to forward
a passion to plant
a notion to nurse
a goal to sell
get a Gadabursie
as a guide
as a guru
as a go-to man
get a Gadabursie
to say it for you
to sell it for you
to tout it for you
the Gadabursie are so sophisticated
that they well say it in Hebrew
that they well sell it in Dutch
that they well say it in German
that they well sell it in Greek
that they well say it in English
wholly forgetting (and it vexes them very much)
that Somali is what you speak!
if you have a cause to espouse
get a Gadabursie
as your Spin Doctor
as your Spinmeister
get a Gadabursie
to say it for you
to sell it for you
to tout it for you
for a Gadabursie will make your cause
sound sweeter than the song of the bulbul
for you won’t get
any guff
any gaffe
any gammon
from a Gadabursie
for the Gadabursie abound in PhDs
whereas the Abgal abound in asses
whereas the Habar Gidir abound in natural born killers
The Gadabursie eschew jaad & chew on knowledge
Whereas the Iidoar chew jaad & eschew knowledge
The Gadabursie know
how to stand the Iidoar gaff
The Gadabursie progress
because they oppress nobody
whereas the Habar Gidir regress
because they oppress everybody
The Gadabursie
(May their tribe increase!)
are the brave pilot fish of Somalia
XIV
Then there are the salmon
they always swim upstream
no matter how far from home they swim
they never forget to come home
the salmon are the Macavity Majerten
their city Bossasso is
so beautiful
so peaceful
that it is home for all the clans of Somalia
Foxes have holes
birds have nests
Somalis have Majertinya
for Majertinya is
where Somali sons & daughters prophesy
Somali salvation
Somali greatness
Somali singleness of solidarity
for Majertinya is
where old men dream dreams
where young men see visions
of the unity of the Somali Spirit
in the bonds of Peace
for the city of Bossasso is now the Boston of East Africa
for the city of Bossasso now is the beacon of light
beckoning
all beleaguered Somalis
all blighted Somalis
all benighted Somalis
all besieged Somalis
that is why I call the Majerten
the only gob of the Somali race
the only kings of the Somali race
the only aristocrats of the Somali race
the only Macavity aristo-cats of the Somali race
that is why I call the Majerten
the only custodians
of Somali honor
of Somali decency
of Somali dignity
of Somali integrity
that is why I call the Majerten
the only custodians of our Somali collective conscience
the only custodians of our collective Somali destiny
for they are
the quiddity of the Somali race
the quintessence of the Somali race
when Gerald Hanley testified that
“Of all the races of Africa,
there cannot be one
better to live among than
the most difficult
the proudest
the bravest
the vainest
the most merciless
the friendliest
the Somalis”
I am certain
that he had meant the Macavity Majerten
among whom he had lived.
XV
Dear reader
If you have fished for your Klan
and can’t locate it in this our clannish funny fishiology
it simply signifies that your Klan is
neither fish
nor flesh
nor fowl
if you are fair
you can’t help but conclude
that in saying my say
that I have traduced no tribe
that I have caned no clan
that I have taken the cudgels to no clan
that I have made no clan run the gauntlet of any cruel course
if you are fair
you can’t help but conclude
that in saying my say
that I have spoken
of every Somali clan family
as they are
extenuating nothing
if you are fair
you can’t help but conclude
that in saying my say
that I have not made
flesh out of my own clan
and fish out of yours.
by: Mohamud Siad Togane kkk
