"When the Idiots are Given Power"
I want to become the resident Sheikh and here is my first sermon.
The Friday Sermon
Dear brothers and sisters,
Nowadays, one can find everything online. You can shop for your basic foodstuff online, you can buy your clothes online and you can even book a taxi online. We have become cyber creatures and as such we also need to have an online Friday sermon. Today’s speech is all about Spring.
There was a time years ago when the first sign of spring was revealed by someone spotting their first swallow or any of the other migrating birds (the cuckoo for some). This practice is still followed today but in a more low key fashion. It would be great if this method were brought back into the mainstream. Alas, my brothers and sisters, I doubt it will ever come back again. And, this is why I chose to speak to you today.
We are in the final third of the month of March. Recently, we have had clear blue skies, the sun has been shining happily down on us, the birds are out, the trees are dressing up for the summer and the days have been getting longer. However, a silent menace, a feminine monstrosity, an unbelievable temptation has been strutting its sexy buttocks in our faces. Many of you might have not noticed it; yet how many people usually catch a glimpse of the first cuckoo?
Today, I discarded my winter socks and chose to wear my light polyester ones instead. I am not wearing a vest under my shirt, I have loosened my tie and I even left my overcoat at home. I suspect most of the men have also done a similar thing. But, what about the women? Did they swap their heavy cotton hijabs with soft silky ones? Did they ditch their thermal underwear and wore Lycra lingerie instead? Perhaps the geeky ones amongst them didn’t and would only do so when they receive official confirmation of the advent of summer but I would confidently assume that the majority of the trendy girls did.
This is why I gathered you all here today, brothers. It is time we lowered our gaze. And, when I say lower, I do not mean buttock level. I mean much lower than that. It is a sad fact of life that not many brothers are adept at the art of lowering their gaze. Those that try only go down from the face and stare at the chest instead. The few that believe they cracked this difficult puzzle, find themselves staring at a woman’s full, round and wholesome calves. Alas, they are wrong too. When one is told to lower one’s gaze, the obvious meaning here is to look at the floor.
Before you take my word for it and lower your gaze you must at least find out if I am telling the truth. Look around you, brothers and sisters. Look at that woman with the short skirt and the tight shirt with the top two buttons undone. Look at that young man, ladies. Watch him involuntarily flexing his well-defined biceps. Look at the woman with the tight trousers on; look at the way her bottom is swimming in those trousers like a gold fish in a plastic bag. Smell the air, people. Feast your eyes on this mad collection of piercing colours. Take in this great air of joie de vive. Inhale the floating pheromones, drool at the mountains of imprisoned breasts and bouncy hips. Do you believe me now? Can you see that spring is here?
Now isku xishooda and lower your gazes.
Aqool qowli hada....
