Summer of 2011, the summer of the horrific famine that murdered a quarter million of my people.
Imagine dying. Now imagine dying out of hunger and thirst; your stomach muscles contracting and twisting in agonizing pain. Now imagine being a mom of 8( because birth control = sheeko gaalo. Or "bid'dah, akhi, bid'dah") and watching your little ones die in front of your eyes, hearing their ear-splitting cries. waaaaaaaaaaaaah, waaaaaaaaaaaaah, waaaaaaaaaaaaaah, slowly diminish in volume, waah, waah, waah, until they stop breathing and die.......because they don't have food to eat or water to drink. Imagine that, homie-akhi.
What Supreme Being would allow that? What Arxam Ar'raaximeen would sanction that?
My faith was severely tested that summer. I remember being angry at Ebbe, livid even. While my people were dying out of hunger, I remember thinking, almost screaming in my head: "BUT WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?" That one refrain of a question: "WHY?" I remember thinking: "Isn't 2 decades of civil warfare enough? Isn't the invasion of the African hordes enough? Isn't indiscriminate bombardment and airstrikes and the displacement of the MILLIONS enough?....Now they gotta also deal with famine and drought and starvation? WHY?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Now the semi-humanoid species known as literalists/salafis, they of tiny craniums and large apetites(how many female slaves is enuff for u, akhi?), would have us believe that questioning Ebbe or being angry at Ebbe is kufr. But little do these ignorant masaakin know that even the anbiyaa wal rusul questioned God. That it is fundamentally human to question God, just as it is fundamentally human to lose/acquire/increase/decrease faith; but the entire literalist dogma, throughout the centuries, is predicated on denying our humanity. Did not my great-grandfather Noah question his Creator after his son perished in the flood? Of course he did. Why? Because Human. Because Grief. Because Devastating Loss. Did not my grandfather Abraham the Idol-Smasher, question God and ask Him for a sign that would prove His Existence? Of course he did. Why? Because the Human Need for Answers.
That summer, I stopped making the effort to pray salat, stopped reading quran too. It wasn't a conscious decision......it....... just.....happened. I was well on my way in becoming the very thing that I derided and looked down upon: a cultural muslim....a "non-practicing" akhi. Big Akhi Protip: Be careful of ever being judgmental, 100% you will find yourself in the same position as the person you were judging/making fun of. Karma is a cold mada-beech like that. I remember being proud of my luxurious tamil timo-jilic and remember laughing(good natured kaftan) at the homies who were dealing with BS(Bidaar Syndrome)....well, I am know locked in vicious combat with macraktul bidaar.....and I'm losing. Karma don't play around.
But I digest(digress?). My gaari broke down that summer and I ended up having to hike almost a mile to catch a bus to get to work and would often arrive late. Not a good look. I had just started my mile walk-a-thon one day when the Sky Faucet was turned on and cirka started pouring down roob like it was nobody's business. Damn. I had a expensive brand-new laptob in my backpack. No umbrella. No jacket. Not only was my labtop gonna be ruined, but most likely would arrive late for work again, and all drenched, which just might do the trick of getting me fired.
Damn. Caught in the storm. Finna lose my job, finna lose my laptob. It's hard out here for a akhi. At first, I tried to "handle the situation". This is the grand illusion we humans suffer from. The illusion that we are under control; that we control our destiny. So I tried to "handle it". Took off my shirt and undershirt, wrapped my laptob in them, put my laptop back in the bag....and proceeed to walk/run to the gas station which was at least half-a-mile away....rain pouring down...and i'm bare-chested....no phone to call a cab.
And in this desperate situation, I did what all humans do when faced with an impossible situation. ....... I looked to the heavens...and for the first time in a long time that summer, I prayed. I remember praying in a mix of Af-Soomali and Af-Ingriis "Ilaahow, waan ku baryaa get me out of this"
And as I was praying for deliverance, for not getting fired so that I can pay my damn rent, for my laptob to survive the drenching biyo, as I was praying for all that, I had a epiphany of sorts: Just like my grandfather Abraham the Idol-Smasher, Ibraahim Sanam-Jabshe. I also prayed for a sign...a sign that you exist, Ebbow. A sign that will save my faith from this storm of doubt and wiswaas that has consumed me.
What was I hoping for? I don't know, maybe a dramatic sign from the heaven. Maybe a lil thunder and lightining and then, the rain stops. Like DMX, I was saying: Lord Give me Sign.
I finished praying and looked to the skies again, hoping against hope that the rain would show any signs of slowing down. That would be a good sign, right? A sign that He has heard me and turned off the Sky Faucet.
Well, the downpour got even fiercer; the winds kicked up even harder. Damn. I was more disappointed about the lack of a sign then I was in the rain falling harder. I was the dictionary definition of crest-fallen.
And then, in the midst of that howling torrential storm, in the midst of my fallen faith, in the midst of that painful summer, the summer of starvation and famine and bitter death, in the midst all of that, I hear a voice:
"Ay yo, get in"
I turn to look: it's a homie in a brand new Range Rover
I'm drenched at this point and tell him I don't want to get water all of over his leather seats.
"Mayn, I said GET IN, mayn"
I get in.
"Where you headed, b"
I tell him to drop me off at the gas station and I'll call a cab.
"MAYN, I said, where you headed, DAMN"
I tell him.
"No thing, I gotchu"
Total stranger, drove me damn-near 10 miles to work. Made it on time. Kept my job. Laptop stayed dry(barely). Alxamdulilah. But more important than all of that, I got my sign and my faith was rescued and has been shinning ever stronger since then.
"Udcuuni astajib lakum" "Beseech me and I shall respond to you"
Truth be told, I still don't understand why my Ebbe let my people perish out in that horrifc fashion that summer, just as I won't understand it when the next famine kills a hundred thousand or more of innocent mothers and their children. Ignorant literalist doqons will say summin like "punishment for sins" or "being tested" or some dogmatic nonsensical BS, and when I hear shid like that, my hands ball up into a fist and I have to restrain mysef from hulk-smashing a salafist. What sins, you stupid motherfaraax does a 3 month old infant have? What kind of "test" is it, you piece of humanoid xaar, to have a mother watch her kids CRY to death out of hunger in front of her eyes? But such is the arrogant stupidity of literalists thinking they have answers to the mystery that is called life and that they(and they alone) speak in the name of God.
Hulk-Smash a literalist breh.
But believing without having all of the answers is the essence of faith. Just like Nabi Nuux kept the faith after Ebbe drowned his son in the flood. Just like Akhi Leftist kept the faith, diminished as it was, that wrenching summer.
Prayer works. Whatever is ailing you, whatever is bothering, even if your faith in Ebbe is almost non-existent, get on your knees........and pray.
For He WILL respond, a quranic promise. You just might not know what form the response would take. I thought my sign/response would be for the rain to stop; didn't even for a minute consider that I would get a ride in a Range Rover to work. But that's the form my sign/response took.
"Udcuuni astajib lakum" "Beseech me and I shall respond to you"
On your knees, lil akhies, get to work, get to prayin'; hayaa calal salaah; hayaa calal falaax;
as'salaatu khayrun minal nowm. <--------------damn straight it is.
